My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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