New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
