Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
