my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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