i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
