She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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