and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
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I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
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Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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