the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
