How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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