eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
This is my gift to your gina
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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