I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
