I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
