I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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