Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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