I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
