I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
