I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I love how my cats smell like pot.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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