don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
