i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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