Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
