yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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