Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
