She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
