If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
