Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
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Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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