Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You're like the curious george of whores
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
