Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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