Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i think my cat just said my name.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
