You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
