you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
