I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
