Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
