Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
