PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I wish there were birth control emojis
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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