are you still at the devil's house?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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