She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
