Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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