I think I won the penis lottery.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
