Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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