i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
