if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
