Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
