She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
