My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone đ
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes âI drove you last nightâ\nâYou got your dick sucked in the back seatâ
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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