Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Randomize
