Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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