I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
