I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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