There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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