I will die if light touches me.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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