So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
