You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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