This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
