My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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