My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
