he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
it's like heaven, but drunker
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
