I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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