Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Panties = found
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
